Funny Quotes – Will Make You Laugh Hard

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes – Friends, Love, Inspiration.

1.”I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

2.”Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get a warm feeling that it brings.

3.” I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

4.”If you say you’re cooler than me…Does that make me hotter than you?

5.”Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? I don’t know dear… You’ll have to ask grandma.

6.”I dream of a better tomorrow… where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.

7.”Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

8.”Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

9.”He who laughs last didn’t get it

10.”My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said, “at the end of this ruler is and idiot!” I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to.

11.”It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

-Hank Aaron

12.”I have strong feeling about gun control. If there’s a gun around, I want to be controlling it.

-Clint Eastwood

13.”A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.

-W.C. Fields

14.”Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree that makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.

15.”Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

16.”What happens if you get scared half to death twice???

– Tara

17.”It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

– Rami Belson

18.”Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

– Oscar Wilde

19.”One possible reason that I don’t believe in fate is that I wasn’t fated to.

– Ashleigh Brilliant

Best Funny Inspirational Quotes:

Inspirational quotes are often dour and serious, but they don’t have to be. Inspiration should be something that brings a smile to your face and a touch of hope to your heart.  Here are some funny inspirational quotes to help you look at whatever step you need to take next in a new, happier light.

20.“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

– Jack London

Don’t wait for opportunities to come to you. Go full caveman on them: chase them down, club them over the head, and drag them back to your cave so you have a chance to make them a part of your story. Good things never come to those who wait.  Good things come to those who are willing to hunt, work, and even fight for what they need.

21.“Change is not a four letter word…but often your reaction to it is!

– Jeffrey Gitomer

Change is often met at best with fear and dread, and at worst with outright violence. Change is something that should be welcomed because good or bad, change is something that is a part of life and cannot be avoided. Instead, welcome the new changes that enter your life and make the most of them, rather than railing against them and wasting your energy in an effort that will ultimately be futile.

22.“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” 

– Albert Einstein

You will never make everyone happy, especially if you set out to do something great. There will always be people who want to tear you down because they are jealous of what you have or angry because you want to change something about their status quo life. Don’t allow them to stop you. Step over them, step around them, or shove them bodily out of your path, but do not allow them to prevent you from reaching your dreams.

23.“Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path, then, by all means, you should follow that.

– Ellen DeGeneres

24.“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside – remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.

– Charles Bukowski

It’s easy, almost too easy, to give up and abandon your path altogether. Don’t let life, friends, enemies, or family prevent you from getting up every day and facing your dreams head-on. You may think that it’s not possible, or that there is no way that you could ever manage to get out of bed.  If you’ve gotten out of that bed just once, then you have something to look back on, to remind you that you’ve done it before, so you can do it again.

Quotes About Love:

25.”Women are meant to be loved, not understood

– Oscar Wilde

This funny quote from the great Oscar Wilde, is a play on the fact that women’s emotions and at times hormones, have been known to cause them to react in, shall we say, slightly erratic manners.

26.”I love you like a fat kid loves cake” 

– Scott Adams

Although obesity is no laughing matter, you have to admit that this quote from Scott Adams is pretty hilarious and self-explanatory.

27.”Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.

– Richard Jeni

Of course not all couples lie to each other but many of them do, shall we say, embellish the truth at times.

28.”Love is hiding who you are at all times. It’s wearing make-up to bed and going downstairs to Burger King to poop.

– 30 Rock

Some people believe that in order to keep our partners interested in us, we need to come across as flawless as we can possibly be, and if that means putting on a false facade, then so be it.

29.”It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.

This clever play on words talks about the fact that we don’t always fall in love with the love of our lives right away, sometimes it takes a little time to get to know them first.

30.”Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

– Joan Crawford

Love can be tricky, and all relationships will go through tough times every now and again. Sometimes falling in love can do more harm than good, but for many, it’s a risk that they’re willing to take.

31.”Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. 

– Natasha Leggero

If we’re truly in love with somebody we should be able to be open and honest with them and tell them how things are and say things as we see them.

32.”Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

– George Carlin

Although the saying goes that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, at the end of the day we’re all human, we all come from the same place, and we are, to some degree, all equals.

33.”I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Obviously stalking is never endorsed as this is a humorous joke and nothing more, talking about the fact that we can’t always make people feel the same way about us as we do about them.

34.”First love is a kind of vaccination which saves man from catching the complaint the second time.

 – Honore de Balzac

Love is again difficult, and this quote talks about how some people who have previous bad relationship experiences may be put off from getting into further relationships.

Funny Quotes About Birthday:

35.”A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.

– R. C. Ferguson

36.”Age is a number and yours is unlisted.

37.”Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

– Jack Benny

38.”Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.

– Daniel Francois Esprit Auber

39.”A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun.  Enjoy the trip

– Anon

40.”As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

– Sir Norman Wisdom

41.”Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

–  Herbert Asquith

42.”A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

– Robert Frost

43.”A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

– Erma Bombeck

44.”Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake. 

– Unknown Author

 Funny inspirational quotes:

45.”A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

– Steve Martin

46.”If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

– George Carlin

47.”You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

– Jack London

48.”If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.

– Donald Trump

49.”Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.

– Kyle Chandler

50.”Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

 – Will Rogers

51.”Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

– Mark Twain

52.”Try to be like the turtle – at ease in your own shell.

– Bill Copeland

53.”Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

– Tom Lehrer

54.”People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

– Zig Ziglar

Funny Quotes And Sayings About Life

55.”Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.

-Murphy’s Law

56.”If there is something you must do and you cannot do it, you cannot do anything else.

57.”How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?

58.”The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

59.”What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.

Robert Brault

60.”An unwatched pot boils immediately. 

H.F. Ellis

61.”If you wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark.

Leopold Fechtner

62.”Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

63.”When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. 

Author Unknown

Quotes About Friendship

64.”One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.

– Clifton Fadiman

65.”It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’

– A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

66.”Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.

 – Greg Tamblyn

67.”It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.

– Marlene Dietrich

68.”Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.

 – Anon

69.”You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.

– Anon

70.”Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

– Oprah Winfrey

71.”A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. 

 – Bernard Meltzer

72.”Between friends, differences in taste or opinion are irritating in direct proportion to their triviality. 

– W.H. Auden

73.”One sure way to lose another woman’s friendship is to try to improve her flower arrangements.

– Marcelene Cox

74.”Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.

– Charles Lamb

And that pretty much wraps that up. Hopefully, the funny quotes and sayings listed above made you laugh so much a little pee came out, only a little, mind, otherwise that would be pretty gross. It’s good to laugh, and if you can’t laugh, what can you do? The world can be a pretty depressing place at times, but remember that there are always good times to be had and there are always times of happiness and joy to reflect upon. By sharing these funny, even hilarious quotes with you, hopefully, we’ve made the world a little bit more fun and enjoyable for you in the process. Remember, laughter is the best medicine, so the next time you’re feeling down, look at something, read something, or do something that makes you laugh and you’ll be amazed by just how much better you feel.

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